The Weight of Expectations: How Releasing Unrealistic Standards Can Set You Free

“When one's expectations are reduced to zero, one really appreciates everything one does have.”
- Stephen Hawking

Introduction:

When was the last time you felt upset or let down because of what someone else did or didn’t do, or even by yourself? Often you feel let down not because of what happened, but because of what you expected to happen.

We often expect people to think and behave in the same way we would. A simple example might be that you make a point of holding the door open for someone who is entering or exiting behind you. It’s a polite thing to do. So, when you are behind someone going through a door and they let it go you become upset because what they did was rude or selfish.

Expectations are like invisible contracts we write in our minds—rules we create for how life, people, or even we should be. The problem is no one else signed those contracts. And even we can’t always live up to them.

It’s o.k. to have high standards, and while some expectations can inspire and guide us, many quietly create stress, resentment, disappointment, and overwhelm. When we cling too tightly to how things “should” be, or how people “should” behave, we create extra stress and anxiety for ourselves and miss the opportunity to embrace what is—and the peace and clarity that comes with it.

Let’s explore how expectations may be affecting you more than you realize—and how letting them go could be the key to a more fulfilling and grounded life.

The Unspoken Contract – Expectations We Place on Others

It’s easy to fall into the trap of expecting others to behave a certain way - to treat us as we would treat them, to understand us without explanation, to meet our emotional needs without us having to say a word.

You might expect:

• A friend to always check in.

• A partner to know what you’re feeling.

• A co-worker to take initiative the way you would.

• A spouse to notice that the trash needs to be taken out.

• A boss to recognize that a co-worker is not being supportive.

When these expectations aren’t met, it feels personal - even though the other person never knew they were being measured against your silent standard.

Over time, this can quietly damage relationships. Resentment builds, and you may find yourself withdrawing or lashing out, not because of what was done, but because of what you expected.

This can happen frequently in our personal relationships. One client complained that she couldn’t grow her business because her husband never helped her out with the children or with chores around the house, she had to do everything.

The breakthrough came one day when she said: “it’s not him is it, it’s me?” She recognized that in the past he had tried to step up and help and she had consistently told him he was doing things wrong. So of course, he stopped helping. She ‘expected’ him to do things in the same way she would, without sharing with him what that looked like, and not trusting the way he did things.

Key Insight: Most disappointment in relationships doesn’t come from what people do, it comes from what we expected them to do.

The Harsh Inner Critic – Expectations We Place on Ourselves

The expectations we place on ourselves can be even more intense. Without realizing it, you may be holding yourself to impossible standards, such as:

• Always being productive.

• Never making mistakes.

• Being perfectly composed and capable—no matter what.

• Easily handling everything that comes your way, even when you feel you’re being pulled in many directions.

• Never needing rest or down time.

When you can’t meet those standards (because no one can), the inner critic kicks in. You feel guilty, not good enough, or like you’re falling behind.

This pressure doesn’t inspire greatness; it creates chronic stress and deep exhaustion.

When I tore my calf muscle playing tennis a few years ago (a common tennis injury) I was told by everyone who’d had the same experience that it would take at least 6 weeks to heal. On some deep level I expected myself to heal faster than that and when the doctor told me that walking would help, the first thing I did was to walk on the treadmill for 50 minutes. I now see how ridiculous that was – I should have started with 5 minutes and worked up, but the expectation was so strong, I could not see that at the time.

Journaling prompt: What’s one expectation I place on myself that causes me stress or anxiety? How might I soften or reframe it?

The Disappointment Trap – Why Expectations Often Lead to Pain

Expectations are future-focused. They’re mental projections about how we believe people should behave, how things should go, or how we should feel. But not everyone is like us. They don’t have the same thoughts, beliefs, and experiences. And things don’t always turn out the way we think they should.

When reality doesn’t align with our expectations, we feel let down. We might get stuck replaying scenarios in our heads, wishing they had gone differently, thinking how unfair life is, or resenting others for not behaving in the way we think they should.

A difficult truth is that expectations are often a form of control. They’re how we try to protect ourselves from uncertainty. But they rarely work—and often drain our energy (and often the energy of those closest to us) in the process.

Energy tip: Try trading expectations for curiosity. Instead of assuming how something “should” unfold, stay open to how it might. It’s a powerful energetic shift, and opens you up to new possibilities.

The Power of Letting Go - What Happens When You Release Expectations

Letting go of expectations doesn’t mean you stop caring, or that you give up. It means you stop trying to control what isn’t yours to control.

When you release the need for things to be a certain way, you create the space for peace, possibilities, and deeper connection.

Imagine approaching someone without expecting them to act a certain way and just letting them be who they are. Imagine approaching your day without demanding that you accomplish everything and giving yourself grace for what unfolds.

When you hold your goals and relationships with open hands instead of clenched fists, everything shifts.

This has been a very powerful life lesson for me – it truly is liberating.

Affirmation: “I release the need to be in control and trust that all is unfolding in divine timing.”

Expectation Overload - When Unrealistic Standards Block Progress

Your constant expectations can also block your momentum, especially when you pile on too many at once.

When you expect yourself to have it all figured out, to master something on the first try, or to handle everything without help, it can feel so overwhelming that you don’t even know where to start.

You become frozen—not because you’re lazy or unmotivated, but because you’ve set the bar so high it’s impossible to reach.

Action step: Choose one thing to focus on today. Just one. Give yourself permission to let the rest wait. You’ll be amazed at how much more you accomplish when your energy is focused rather than scattered.

Conclusion: Acceptance is Liberating

Letting go of expectations takes practice; it’s not something that happens overnight. But each time you choose acceptance, curiosity and self-kindness, instead of assumption, expectation, control, and self-criticism, you reclaim your energy and your power.

If you’ve been feeling frustrated, stuck, or weighed down lately, take a moment to explore where expectations might be holding you back and stopping you from experiencing joy, progress, and inner peace.

What some other people do may not be right, it may not be fair, it may even be awful, or harmful, but unless you have the power and authority to change it, expecting them to behave differently won't make it happen. It won't change anything about them, it will only frustrate you. Instead, recognize: this is who they are, this is what they do, now what can I do to help myself through this situation?

Reflective prompt: What’s one expectation I can let go of this week? What might I shift if I do?

Take Action

Would you like to go deeper in understanding how your energy gets tangled up in expectations—both your own and others’? Here are some ways to get started:

1. Take my free Personal Energy Assessment to see where your energy is most affected, and what you can do to realign. After taking the Personal Energy Assessment, go through the short course that goes with the Assessment (you’ll be sent a link after completing the assessment).

2. Join my (free) Harmony Inside & Out Private membership group or the monthly (paid) Powerful Breakthroughs group – you’ll find all the details here.

3. Come to one of my monthly Group Coaching/Q&A calls, $50 for non-members, $25 for Harmony Inside & Out members and free for Powerful Breakthrough Group Members.

4. Attend one of my monthly masterclasses, or watch a replay ($97 for non-members, $47 for Harmony Inside & Out members, and free for Powerful Breakthrough Group members. (Make sure you're on my mailing list to receive registration links if you're not a group member).

5. Schedule a complimentary call with me to discuss your specific situation and evaluate the next ideal steps for you to make progress. Schedule here.

The most important thing is to take action. The worst thing you can do is nothing

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