Dealing With the Death of a Narcissistic Mother

This is a very personal blog post. I was going to simply write in my journal about this, but I felt it may be helpful to others as well, so I felt guided to write about it here.

How do you grieve for a narcissistic parent who really wasn’t a parent to you at all?

I ask this question because my mother just passed away at the age of 96, and I’ve been waiting to feel some kind of grief, but what I mainly feel is sadness.

You see, I spent a lot of years craving some kind of acknowledgement or sign of love from my mother. I did my best to support and care for her, but she frequently made it clear that she didn’t care much for me, that is unless she needed my help with something.

If you have a narcissistic parent, you’ll understand what I mean. It’s much harder for those who have not had a narcissist in their life to comprehend.

There’s a part of me that wonders – shouldn’t I feel something? Shouldn’t I feel some kind of emotion other than sadness?

The sadness I feel is for her, not for me. I’m sad that she chose to live an unhappy life, and by being unhappy, also wanted to make those around her unhappy as well.

I think I grieved the loss of my mother (or the fact that I never really had one) a long time ago. Over the years, I’ve worked through many painful emotions to do with rejection, disappointment, disapproval, guilt and shame, so it seems that there’s nothing left to feel.

The only way I felt I could truly learn to be myself was to live far (a few thousand miles) away from her. Whenever I went back to visit she just couldn’t help herself trying to trigger me in the same ways she used to.

When I went back to visit there was never any warm reunion because she hadn’t seen me for so long. There were never any emotional farewells either when I left. I arrived, and I left, and that was that. At one time I used to try to hug her when I was leaving, but it was like hugging a piece of wood. She was as stiff as a board – obviously not wanting to be hugged, so I stopped trying.

Having said all of this, one thing I know is that she has been my biggest teacher, and for that I am very grateful. I would not have been inspired to do the inner work that I have and choose the profession of helping others if it were not for her.

I chose not to have children because I had a fear that if I was like her in any way, I would cause deep harm to a child, so they would experience what I had, and I never wanted to do that to someone. Instead, I have taken all that potential maternal energy and used it to serve others.

Through learning how to process the painful emotions and trauma of my childhood, and beyond, I learned a lot about narcissistic parents, and as a result, I’ve been able to help several of my clients who have had similar experiences and are carrying the trauma of deep rejection from a parent.

“Letting go of guilt and maintaining boundaries will change your life and help you figure out who you are and what matters to you the most. This is how you will rebuild your identity. You will learn that it is okay to stand up for what is right for you and expect kindness, consideration, and respect from others. You do not have to tolerate abusive behavior from your mother. Most of all, setting up your boundaries and learning to maintain them will validate for you that it is okay to say no to anything that does not feel right to you.”

- Brenda Stephens, Recovering from Narcissistic Mothers: A Daughter's Guide

Being a highly sensitive person and/or empath adds yet another dimension to this experience. When you are highly sensitive you feel the pain of a narcissist’s treatment of you so much more deeply. And you can’t talk to anyone about it, because other people don’t see it. They tend to think you’re overreacting or seeing things that aren’t there.

One of the traits of a narcissist that makes them so difficult to deal with is that they are very good at tormenting those who are closest to them and care the most about them yet appearing to be normal and even nice to everyone else.

My husband, of course, has had to witness the pain and emotional trauma I’ve experienced in the past because of my childhood or any interaction with my mother. He told me though that he didn’t really understand it until we actually spent some time with her, and he saw her in action.

One of the gifts I’ve received from my personal situation is that I embarked on a journey to learn more about narcissists and why they behave as they do.

One of the most helpful things I learned is that narcissists only experience the world in terms of how things affect them. They don’t care about anyone else, only themselves and they will never and can never change.

This was life-changing for me because it helped me to accept her exactly as she was, and to let go of any expectations of her. I stopped needing anything from her, and I stopped giving her the ability to trigger me in any way. I learned how to remain completely neutral, which took away her ability to hurt me.

When you have a narcissistic parent, you grow up doing anything and everything to receive some kind of sign of love and affection from them, but you don’t ever receive it, and it hurts.

Instead, you must learn how to give yourself what your parent can’t give you. Things like:

• Love

• Recognition

• Approval

• Acknowledgement

• Comfort

• Encouragement

• Understanding

If you have a parent who does not or cannot give you any of these things, learn how to give them to yourself and stop hoping to receive what you need from them. This will transform your experience.

When you have these experiences with a family member or with a spouse or someone else who is close to you, it’s hard to talk about. Unless someone has had a similar experience, they just won’t be able to relate to what you’re feeling and experiencing. That’s why it’s so helpful to be able to talk to someone who understands.

I was talking to one of my friends about this recently and she had a similar experience with her father, who passed several years ago. She told me “You can’t grieve for something you never had,” which is so true.

Someone else told me that after her mother passed the main thing she felt was relief, and because she felt guilty for feeling relieved, she couldn’t talk to anyone else about it.

Narcissists are experts at making you feel there is something wrong with you, that if anything goes wrong it is your fault, that you are the cause of their unhappiness, and that you can’t be trusted, causing you to doubt yourself and even hate yourself (as I did).

The most important thing to know is that you can break free from that and learn how to love yourself, as you discover who you really are (not who they led you to believe you were).

I hope my mother is at peace now, because she never was in life. She carried a lot of bitterness and hate and that must have been exhausting.

Life with her was never easy or enjoyable, but because of her I embarked on this journey of personal growth and self-healing, of understanding and mastering my energy and the energy around me, and helping others do the same. And for that I am very grateful.

Nobody can tell you what emotions you should or shouldn’t feel. You can’t force yourself into or out of feeling something. For me, I know I did my grieving years ago as part of my own healing process, so I’ll sit with the sadness and let go of the expectation that I should feel something else.

This has been helpful for me to write about. I didn’t expect to make it public, but my hope is that some may find it helpful.

I found another great article on Grieving a Narcissistic Mother, which highlights how complicated these emotions can be. You can read it here.

If any of this resonates with you and you need to talk to someone who understands – reach out and let me know, I’d love to have a conversation with you.

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