Why We Break Promises to Ourselves and How to Stop

“To be responsible, keep your promises to others. To be successful, keep your promises to yourself” - Marie Forleo

Introduction:

Have you ever broken promises to yourself? I know I have, and I think most people have.

When you set a goal or make a promise to yourself you do so with the best intentions. You promise to exercise more, eat healthier, take time for self-care, or perhaps embark on a new project or hobby.

You promise not to spend more money on something, and then you just can’t resist.

You vow to trust yourself and not let others talk you into or out of something that’s not a good fit for you – and then somehow you find yourself doing what you said you wouldn’t, because you don’t want to disappoint them.

When you break that promise, you often feel a mix of guilt, frustration, and disappointment. But you tell yourself this time was an exception and you’ll keep your promise next time.

Why do we do this? More importantly, how can we stop this cycle and honor the commitments we make to ourselves?

This post will help you discover why you break promises to yourself, the consequences of doing this, and how to stop. 👊

Understanding the Consequences

I think it’s helpful first to explore the consequences of breaking promises to ourselves, because there are consequences. Understanding them can motivate us to make lasting changes. Here are just a few:

1. Eroded Self-Trust: Each broken promise chips away at your self-trust. When you repeatedly fail to follow through, you start doubting your ability to achieve your goals and keep your word, which can have a major impact on our confidence and self-esteem. Your mind will often latch onto this as ‘evidence’ that you can’t be trusted, reinforcing any limiting beliefs you have.

2. Increased Stress and Anxiety: Not honoring your commitments can lead to a sense of chaos and overwhelm. This causes stress and anxiety, making it harder to focus and feel in control of your life.

3. Decreased Motivation: When you don't break a promise to yourself, your motivation can take a hit. It becomes a cycle of setting goals, not achieving them, and feeling less motivated to try again.

4. Impact on Personal Growth: Breaking promises to yourself stalls your personal growth. It prevents you from reaching your full potential and living a life aligned with your true values and desires.

I had a situation a few years ago, where I was helping someone. I really wanted to help, but knew that at a certain point I would need to step back, and I made this clear up-front. I wanted to be involved at the start, but not on an ongoing basis.

When the time came for me to leave, and I made it clear that I was ready, I allowed myself to be persuaded by others who told me they needed me. They made me feel that I needed to stay longer and, even though I knew this was not the right thing for me, I did it.

It took me about 5 years before I was finally able to walk away from that situation. And those were 5 very stressful years. This was a turning point for me. This experience made me vow to trust myself and never allow myself to be persuaded or manipulated by others. I am committed to never break promises to myself again.

Why We Break Promises to Ourselves

1. Lack of Clarity and Specificity: Vague goals and promises are hard to keep. If your promises to yourself aren't clear and specific, it's easy to lose focus and motivation. This is why I think it’s important to be clear on your reasons (the energy) behind the goal or intention. Why is it important to you?

2. Overcommitment: We often take on too much at once. Juggling multiple commitments can be overwhelming, leading to burnout and broken promises because you simply don’t have the capacity to take on so many commitments. No matter how much you may want to, you have to be realistic about what’s possible.

3. Fear of Failure or Success: Sometimes, we break promises to ourselves because we're afraid of failing, or even of succeeding. It can seem easier to avoid trying than to risk failing, or to risk succeeding and finding out it’s either not what you really wanted, or that success pulls you in directions that you hadn’t anticipated.

4. External Pressures: External expectations and demands can divert our attention and energy away from our personal commitments. When you are not fully committed to yourself, it’s easy for others to tell you what you ‘should’ do and for you to force yourself to fit in with other people’s expectations. This is when you find yourself putting everyone else’s needs before your own – as a former people-please I am very familiar with this experience.

5. Limiting Self-Beliefs: Deep-seated beliefs about your worth and capabilities will sabotage your efforts. If you don't truly believe you’re capable or deserving of success, you might unconsciously break your promises to align with these beliefs.

How to Stop Breaking Promises to Yourself

1. Set Clear, Specific Goals and Intentions: Define your promises clearly. Instead of saying, "I want to exercise more," set a specific goal like, "I will walk for 30 minutes every day after work." Clear goals provide direction and are easier to stick to. Also, connect to ‘why’ you want to do this, and maintain that focus.

2. Start Small: Avoid overwhelming yourself with big promises. Start with small, manageable commitments. Success with smaller goals builds confidence and momentum for bigger ones.

3. Prioritize Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Understand that breaking a promise is not a failure but a learning opportunity. Use it to understand what went wrong and how you can adjust. Ask how you can set yourself up to succeed. What would make it easier for you to keep the promise next time?

4. Create a Supportive Environment: Surround yourself with supportive people and create an environment that makes it easier to keep your promises. This might mean organizing your space, setting reminders, or seeking accountability from friends or family. Stay away from anyone who does not support or help you commit to what you want to achieve. Nobody else knows what’s best for you, so don’t let anyone talk you out of what’s right for you.

5. Address Underlying Fears and Beliefs: Reflect on any fears or negative beliefs that might be holding you back. Consider working with a coach or therapist to explore these deeper issues and develop strategies to overcome them. This is what will help you make progress more quickly. When you try to ignore these underlying fears and beliefs, you will continue to have more of the same experiences. Working through them is the only way.

6. Celebrate Your Wins: Acknowledge and celebrate your successes, no matter how small. This reinforces positive behavior and boosts your motivation. This is something we often forget to do, and yet it does help to reinforce your confidence and self-trust.

7. Practice Mindfulness and Self-Awareness: Stay connected to your thoughts and feelings. Mindfulness can help you recognize when you're veering off track and bring you back to your commitments with greater awareness. Always pay attention to, and be honest about how you feel and commit to deeper levels of self-awareness.

8. Review and Adjust Regularly: It can be helpful to periodically review your goals and progress. Adjust your commitments as needed to ensure they remain realistic and aligned with your current situation and priorities. It’s okay to recognize that what seemed important to you a month or more ago may not be as important anymore. That doesn’t mean you’re flakey, it just means you’re becoming more aware of what’s important to you.

Reflective Questions

To help you internalize these insights and make meaningful changes, contemplating the following questions will help to move your energy in the right direction:

• What promises have I made to myself recently? Which ones have I kept, and which have I broken?

• How did breaking these promises make me feel? How did it impact my self-trust and motivation?

• What fears or beliefs might be contributing to my habit of breaking promises to myself?

• What small, specific promise can I make to myself today that I know I can keep?

• How can I create a supportive environment and seek accountability to help me honor my commitments?

Your Path to Success

Honoring your promises to yourself takes you on a path to greater inner peace and fulfillment.

Each step you take towards keeping your commitments strengthens your self-trust, reduces stress, and energizes your motivation. It aligns you more closely with your true self and your deepest desires.

By understanding why you break promises to yourself and implementing these strategies to change, you're setting the stage for profound personal growth and transformation.

You have the power to change and become the person who consistently honors their commitments, living a more energized life of authenticity and alignment.

Start today with a promise to yourself—a promise to be kind, patient, and committed to your growth. Small steps lead to significant change. Trust the process, and trust yourself.

Conclusion

It’s important to know that you are not alone. I am here to support you, offering guidance and encouragement every step of the way. Together, we can turn your promises into reality, helping you achieve the success and fulfillment you deserve.

My programs focus on 3 key areas:

1. Self-Awareness

2. Release

3. Alignment

Ask me about my Unstoppable You Program - it's a program which ensures you receive the support and guidance you need to achieve the success YOU want in the way that's right for you, making sure you never break promises to yourself again!